Too Young to Know

In those days, I didn't understand anything. I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contadictory! But I was too young to know how to love her.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Marriage is selflessness

 A well known scholar once said "Relationships between a man and a woman should be rooted in selflessness, a husband should reflect on how he could give to his wife more than he takes. And she should reflect on how she can give more than she takes. This selflessness will allow hearts to absorb the realities of love that so many are missing today"   

Let them be Men

Men need to be given responsibility at a young age in order to grow up and become responsible husbands and fathers. The reason why men are so irresponsible these days and become overwhelmed when they get married is because they don't know how to cope with the duties and responsibilities that come with the new wife. Whose fault is this if not the parents? Mothers, stop Molly coddling your sons and allow your boys to be men and leaders of the ummah. And fathers allow and trust your sons to make their own decisions along with your advice and wisdom, but dont make the decision for them. The prophet peace be upon him used to put the younger Sahaba sometimes teens, at the forfront of the battle field and gave them responsibility to lead the army to war. Sometimes we miss certain aspects of the sunnah which in effect has negative backlash in the future of the children whome we one day expect to be responsible adults, dutiful husbands and leaders of the ummah. How do you expect that when one was never taught or allowed that from a young age?

Marriage and Insecurities

Insecurities are common for every marriage or relationship. I of all people know that. And these insecurities can grow, especially if one fails in their past relationships. Its common to blame ourselves for a marriage not working, saying we were not good enough for such a person, in one way or another and we make the mistake of looking for people that we think suit us better, but in fact, they actually suit our insecurities. 
What I mean by this is that we look for people "lower" than us, or more needy of us, so that it makes us feel we are totally in control. But in truth our insecurity is in control, because instead of dealing with it and overcoming it, we are only feeding it, growing and nurturing it to become something of a phobia. We need to realise, its all a state of the mind, and the mind is such a powerful tool. This is not about fighting, and winning the war of your insecurity, this is about being intelligent enough to deal with the problem after you have realised it. 

How to deal with it?
It depends on what your insecure about. It could be looks, it could be lack of knowledge or intellect, it could be that I think my partner will get bored of me, its all a state of the mind, and they all require simple communication, with yourself and with your partner.
Talk to them, ask them what they love to talk about, ask them how they love to see you dressed, ask them about what they want, and then work on it. Maybe you will keep failing at it, for example, I am not great at talking politics, but the more I try to talk about it, the more informed I will become, the closer I will become to developing my own ideas and feelings about it, and even my own opinions, and strategies. Its a step by step process, one which you may fail at some steps and seem a bit dumb, but don't take it so seriously, its important to be able to laugh at yourself and your own mistakes, and have fun in teaching each other, and don't allow the other person to feel stupid, we are what we are at the end of the day, we are all learning here and a sense of humour goes a long way in relationships, marriage should be fun, lets not forget that, because we are on this journey together.

We always tend to imagine the worst in our heads, especially us women, most likely its not even like that. We over think things and play things up so much in our heads that it becomes a mini drama. But in fact, this thing that you find such a massive problem, really isn't so massive. Find something else in the relationship to concentrate on, something you know your good at, making people laugh, informing them of interesting information, cooking, and physiologically your confidence with naturally increase, and once you have reached this level, you will start to naturally feel confident in other things too, allow it time, to take its own course, step by step. 

Running away from marriage is not the answer, not for long term anyway. 
Trying again and working on it with your partner is. We are all scared of failing, but if we don't try then neither will we succeed.  Marriage is about teamwork, friendship, understanding, you should want to help each other be better partners, most importantly, you should allow your partner to help you, we just need to try, because in effect this makes us better slaves of Allah. 

And Allah knows best.

Frustrations in Egypt

Bissmillahir rahmanir raheem,

It wasn't the electricity cutting off for hours that frustrated me, nor was it the water being cut off for days on end, nor the increase in prices of local produce, or even the masses of rubbish accumulating on the streets. It was saying goodbye. And everyone knows how I hate goodbyes. I have said goodbye 3 times in the last 12 hours. To people who came to Egypt to seek knowledge and some for the betterment of their children's islamic upbringing. And now they feel the need to leave for what seems to be threatening this initial intention. Its really sad.

Fair vote, fair elections, is the only reason Morsi was elected. Doesn't it make sense to let him finish his course and re-elect, if after he has proven to do nothing for this impatient country? Truth is, most people on the street don't even know whose side they are on, pro-morsi or not, they just want change. The problem is, they want it too fast and join in the demonstrations purely for this reason, whereas for others, its just a reason to go out and party. And who is "egging them on" Morsi's oposition, of course. Those who have made his time in government not an easy ride. Those who behind the scenes, burst water pipes so we went without water for weeks, those who stole the petrol and threw it in the desert. Those who are paying people to cut the electricity and make our lives as inconvenient as possible. All these things done deliberately to frustrate the people, and then suddenly BANG, they ignite the spark to demonstrate and then let the dumb people do the rest. They are being played like puppets, if only they realised. Its not a new government that they need, its a new way of looking at things, wisdom, patience, and understanding of the reality of whats happening.

Bearded men getting attacked on the streets, and niqabis not safe to walk in peace, this is what they wanted all along, their plan of turning muslims against muslims, to divide us and to wipe out Islam. And it is the fact that Deen is not strong in their hearts which is the reason for them being so blind and delusional.
Ya Allah give them patience, understanding, and make them strong in Deen. Ameen.

Alexandria Egypt.

Disconnected

The further you are from Allah, the harder it becomes to fight the battle. Its strange how I came across so many people, who were in a sense so anguished, and out of control. Its hard to explain. But it doesn't matter how much my heart goes out to those people, how much I want to show them the way out, and how much I want to reassure them that it will eventually be ok, they can really only help themselves. 
And eventually they will realise, that that torment, that lack of control, has a direct link to your closeness to Allah. The further you are from your deen, the more you seem to be losing the fight. And for this they need to re-assess their life, what needs to change in order to stop being a slave to their desires. Because it could be that you work all day, your life is work work and more work, you may pray all your prayers, but where is the khushu in that prayer? Where is the closeness that you once felt before and how did you become so...
disconnected from your Lord? These reasons are all according to the individual, it can be due to people you interact with, who are harmful to your deen, or needing someone, whom you know is good for your deen, but your ego denies it. It could be the nature of your job, some jobs require a level of dishonesty, disloyalty, business nowadays is dog eat dog,  and for this, people spend too much time trying to be the best at work, rather than trying to be the most pious Muslim. Whatever the reason, the answer is simple, and I would recommend those people to simply stop life and take time out to think:

First and foremost that person needs to be willing to make changes in their life, secondly they need to re-asses their situation to see what needs to change, thirdly they really really really need to ask Allah to help them. Because without asking, He wont give, we need to beg Him, surrender completely and beg Him to guide us. Without Him we are lost. 
Without Him we are slaves to our desires, and that is as low as it gets. We have all been there, but not all of us have won the battle. 

May Allah help us all.

That wishful thinking has turned you fools into losers

The Prophet, may Allah be pleased with him, said: "The wise is the one who takes account of his own deeds, and works for the life after death, and the fool is the one who pursues his whims, and lives with the hope that Allah will forgive him." (At-Tirmidhi) 

Al-Hassan al-Basri said: "Some people live with the hope that Allah will forgive them until they leave this world without a single hasanah, or good deed." 

Allah, the Exalted, says: "And that wishful thinking of yours concerning your Rubb has ruined you and turned you into losers." Quran 40:23.

Sudden realisation

 It's not about finding the best person, it's about finding the person who brings out the best in you.

Cry it Out.

Sometimes you just have to cry it out. And when we are totally broken, when we have exhausted all other avenues, demeaning as they are, the last thing we resort to is this. And suddenly for whatever reason the burden becomes lighter. Suddenly another door opens, and suddenly it seems so much easier to close the last door. It doesn't matter how much people disappoint you, how many times they try to break you, it is purely to bring you back down to the realisation that, you are nothing, you are not in control, and that He is the only one you can turn to, to enable you to move on again. And those who don't realise this and do not turn to Him, who do not cry it out, and beg for his mercy and forgiveness, they will carry on going through the turmoil of fighting the war waging within themselves.

Why is is that when we have lost all hope, not knowing which way to turn, full of confusion and thoughts and thinking "What if? Why?", crying brings us this result? Because this is where you are at your most weakest point which no one would want to admit, even to  themselves, never mind to others. And for you to accept this, to finally break down all the barriers and just surrender yourself, to Allah, and to the plan that He set out for you, in this we find peace, we set ourselves free.

"One of the marvels of the world: The sight of a soul sitting in prison with the key in its hand."

-Rumi

Sunnah of S... II

Something I think that should be talked about more (in a controlled setting - with teachers/scholars/Councillors/people of knowledge). Simply because its something so simple, and ignorance in this matter can have such traumatic effects on people/marriages on a physical and psychological level. Due to culture we are taught to shy away from such issues, but as Muslims there is nothing wrong with developing an understanding and still remaining humble and modest about it. It's easy for people to say that these issues do not concern them, as it is simply "not in their nature", well all I can say is; make it your nature. Follow the Sunnah, or you will always fail in this. 

A great piece, well done: 

http://muslimmatters.org/2013/05/03/vignettes-on-female-sexuality/

They Need to Go. For Sure.

And That is Enough

I've learned I will almost never get it right first time,
I've learnt not to give up, to change my methods and try again, and again.
I've learnt to trust my instincts,
I've learnt that my greatest inspirations are deeply rooted to my fears,
I've learnt that ugly people will always be ugly, and beautiful people can be even more ugly.
I've learnt that giving up on love is not the answer, nor is chasing the love that never existed.
I've learnt that I should never try to change for the sake of people's ego.
I've learnt that my inability to walk away reflects on my weak Imaan, and what I do walk away from will pursue me. Iv learnt its hard not to look back. Its really hard.
I've learnt to smile and laugh at myself when the world seems dark,
I've learnt that you will feel Allah's love at times when you are feeling so unloved, and that that love is enough.
I've learnt that in the end, the truth always comes out, no matter how hard someone tries to make you look bad. That Allah sends the rain to wash away their black lies and criticisms. I love the rain.
I've learnt that in silence I find solace...but also fear.
I've learnt to protect myself by building a wall, yet still allowing myself to watch the world and lives around me through a gap...I've learnt anyone can get in that gap.
I've learnt that I never knew what I wanted, that I was easily influenced, that I tried hard to please others and agree to their way of thinking, even if I thought otherwise, and that not knowing what I wanted led me to the wrong people. I've learnt to know what I want.
I have learnt that there are people who want you and then there are people who need you. Its better to be needed.
I've learnt the people that are furthest away will always be the ones you miss most.
I've learnt to remember the bad times and not just the good. Because in the good you have regret, and in the bad you have relief.
I've learnt that the people that harmed you will have that same harm caused upon them, that what they took
from you will undoubtedly be taken from them too in the same form or another.
I see the innocence in those younger than me, I have learnt that time will teach them too, regardless of my warnings to them.
I have learnt that I strive to always find solutions for others, but give up when I can never find them for myself.
I have learnt that not every one will understand me. Nor do I want everyone to understand me. And the ones who do, only do because, they have learnt too.

Lights Out

The electricity just went out. A common occurrence in Egypt. And although this occurrence is a somewhat nuisance, I love to hear the cheer of the children outside that this nuisance causes. This darkness is somehow exciting for them, whilst us adults carry on grumbling, the kids scream and chant and shout, its a sound that is perfect, it makes me smile. 

I smile at the way these children are able to look past the dark, and remain happy and playful, whilst when the darkness of life falls on us adults, we fail to see any kind of light. Wouldn't those dark times be so much more easier if our attitude remained like a child's?  That you can still laugh and have fun and be happy in that dark time, because we know that it will eventually pass and light will return. 

But where is the fun in light? Where is the fun in seeing where your going? Imagine if we could actually see where we will end up after 1 week or one year? That mystery of darkness is indeed something exciting and perhaps even comforting. 

Lastly, there is something about the dark that brings people back to earth. With so much electricity and lights on, we arrogantly hold our heads high looking at everything and anything unnecessarily.  But in the darkness we become humble, our heads are lowered, concentrating only on that which the light of our candle hits. 

And so I welcome the darkness. I welcome that even in the dark you may smile and look forward, I welcome that we may find comfort in the mystery of it, and I welcome that it makes us more humble. 

Rumi - "What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle."

To See Reality As It Truly Is.

I dont know about anyone elses experiences, but sometimes Allah has shown me through small signs who people realy are.
Although they have been deceitful and dishonest to me, in my naivety I make excuses for them, I hide the wrong that they are doing when really I should for once stand up for justice and face them head on, demanding explanations. But I choose not to. Sometimes its better to make excuses for you fellow muslims and allow Allah to do the rest. If they really are deceiving you, Allah will show you, and then its up to you, whether you want to foolishly carry on blindly, or be strong enough to walk away for good. Each time I gave someone a chance and made an excuse for them, some how strangely Allah showed me in ways, some ways that were purely accidental, that these people have not changed and are still dishonest. Its up to you to take notice of the sign Allah sent you, to hear Allah and be strong. There are times where we ask Allah to show us the truth, to show us which direction to turn, and when He shows us we become unhappy about it, we are in denial and we carry on making bad decisions that never will benefit us.

Deep down we all know the people and the paths that are harmful to us and the ones that will benefit us and bring us closer to Allah. We know but we are not strong enough to listen to our own instincts. Be strong enough to walk away, with the full belief that Allah will reimburse you with something so much more fitting or that those people will return to you, when they have finally realised, that they can hide their dishonesty from you - but not from Allah.

And of course the same goes for the opposite. If a person is sincere, pure and genuine, you will surely see it. Allah will not veil this from you. You will know in your heart who beautiful people are, and when you find them you should not let go of them, for they can only make your life beautiful. And you should fear that you should never hurt them, be good to them, and know, that Allah is with them, and will surely show them how ugly you are, if you are not sincere from within.

I ask Allah to help me see things as they truly are, and to show me people for who they truly are, and for the strength to base my decisions on this reality.

"In truth the conduct of our lives is the only proof of the sincerity of our hearts." -Anonymous

Prepare for the Big Test

Every single thing you do, is a test, from the moment u wake up, every small step u take, the people
you talk to, the way you talk to them, they are all tests to show one thing or another. Your adab, your aklaaq, your patience. So realise it, before you do absolutely anything, when you walk out the door, when you go to work, when you meet someone new, everything can be turned into dhikr with a simple intention before doing anything, like  "Bissmillah, I am cooking this meal, to feed my children to make them strong to become future leaders of the Ummah," or "Bissmillah, I am going to work to fulfill the rights of my family, to provide for them as a husband and father." A simple, basic every day practice, is turned into something beautiful because you change your intention of doing it purely for the sake of Allah.

Every situation you are put in, whether its a chore you do every day, or whether its a new situation, be aware of them all, especially the new situations - they catch you by surprise - keep reminding yourself, that something can happen at any time to test my aklaaq, my adab, my patience.

People, they are all around us, even when we are alone, they are still there, in your heads in your hearts or on the internet! The majority of situations are for sure going to involve people, and there are people who are meaningless to you, people you walk past in the street, your local shop keeper, ones you never met, ones who you care for deeply,  and your actions and words with all of them count, your test with each of them are different but important in different ways depending on your interaction with them. Remember: Akhlaaq, adaab at all times. whether you know them or not, or if they are good to you or bad to you, whether they anger you or excite you or make you laugh, aklaak and adab, Why? even if it means its not you.
It may not be your way, or your personality, but it was the Prophets way (may peace and blessings
be upon him), and his way never fails, our way, most certainly will and has failed us.
When your always aware of these small tests and aware of yourself, your so much more prepared when the bigger ones come right?

Note to Self:

Only when you rid yourself of all the bad, will you start to appreciate the good and simple things in life.

Rosetta (Rashid), Egypt 2013

Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s advice to his son on his wedding day:

Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s advice to his son on his wedding day:

Dear son, you will not attain good fortune in your home except by 10 characteristics which you show to your wife, so remember them and be enthusiastic in acting upon them.

As for the first two; women like attention and they like to be told clearly that they are loved. So don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your wife. If you become limited in expressing your love, you will create a barrier of harshness between you and her, and there will be a decrease in affection.

3, Ladies hate a strict, overcautious man, yet they seek to use the soft vulnerable one. So use each quality appropriately. This will be more appealing for love and it will bring you peace of mind.

4. Ladies like from their husbands what their husbands like from them, i.e. kind words, good looks, clean clothes and a pleasant odour. Therefore, always remain in that state.

5, Indeed, the house is under the sovereignty of the woman. While she remains therein, she feels that she is sitting upon her throne, and that she is the chief of the house . Stay clear of destroying this kingdom of hers and do not ever attempt to dethrone her, otherwise you will be trying to snatch her sovereignty. A king gets most angry at he who tries to strip him of his authority, even if he portrays to show something else.

6. A woman wants to love her husband, but at the same time she does not want to lose her family. So do not put yourself and her family in the same scale, because then her choice will be down to either you or her family. And even if she does choose you over her family, she will remain in anxiety, which will then turn into hatred towards you in your daily life.

7. Surely woman has been created from a curved rib, and this is the secret of her beauty, and the secret of the attraction towards her. And this is no defect in her, because ‘the eyebrows look beautiful due to them being curved’. So if she errs, do not rebuke her in a manner in which there is no gentleness, attempting to straighten her; otherwise you will simply break her and her breaking, is her divorce. At the same time do not let her off upon that mistake, otherwise her crookedness will increase and she will become arrogant with her ego. Thereafter, she will never soften for you and she won’t listen to you, so stay in between the two.

8. It is in the women’s nature to be ungrateful towards their husbands and to deny favours. If you were to be nice to her for her whole life but you grieved her once, she will say, “I have never seen any good from you”. So don’t let this attitude of her make you dislike her or to run away from her. If you dislike this feature of hers, you will be pleased with some other good habits within her, so create a balance.

9. Surely there are times when a woman goes through some conditions of bodily weakness and fatigue of the mind. Such that Allah has relieved her of some of her compulsory worships during that period; Allah has totally pardoned her from praying, and has postponed the days of fasting for her within this break to a later date until she regains her health and becomes normal in her temperament once more. Thus, during these days, treat her in a godly manner. Just as Allah has relieved her of the duties, you should also lessen your demands and instructions from her during those days.

10. Last but not least, know that a woman is like a captive with you. Therefore, have mercy upon her.

 

 

 

Dig Deeper

Look deeper and you will see her soul,
Observing the outside without entering the door,
Was never enough for her heart to enfold,
Look into her eyes and dig deeper, explore.
You were (for some time) satisfied with the curve of her waist,With the shape of her ass, the makeup on her face,
But if only you had tried, for once, to enter from a different side,
Perhaps her satisfaction in you, would have been in full body and mind.
Won't you try and find the key. wont you try?
Only she knows that the one who unlocks the door will find,
The curves of her nature, the shape of her desire, the makeup of her dreams,
And the quality of her thoughts.
When did u last look at her, as your life time partner?
As the mother of your children, as the soulmate that helps to cleanse your soul?
Her soul...was not made to quench your desire, but it was made to beautify them,
To care for them, to tame them. Don't you thus owe her soul so much more?
She knows she makes it difficult, she is closed, tightly at times, but did you expect her
to let anyone in? Don't you think her soul guards over her heart?
The key to her heart, is through her soul so,
If you don't dig deeper then you will never know,
How to tread carefully along the cracks of her heart,
Where the streams of her tears continue to flow,
Dig deeper, think deeper, and you will never be apart.

 

Pure Logic.

The more you try to control people, the more they will try to rebel against you.

The more respect you demand from people, the more they will disrespect you. Your have to earn the respect. Give respect to gain respect. Don't think you will get that respect simply because your in a certain (superior) position.

The more brittle and unflexible you are, the more people will try to break you. Try to show understanding and flexibility to other peoples needs and people will then start becoming more easier to work with, and to mould into what you need.

The more you try to talk your way out of a situation rather than just saying it how it is, the more people will think your being dishonest and a liar. Just tell it how it is and if its because you failed at providing, then say so and people will respect you for your honesty at least. Otherwise, you will end up being a constant disapointment for so many people, time and time again.

The more lack of communication you have with others, the more problems you will face with them. Dont think you can just decide things on your own and expect everyone to be ok with it. Esspecially when your trying to decide on things you dont completely understand. One meeting/or short conversation with everyone is all it takes, in order to get everyones point of view, have trust in them that they also know what they are doing and then base your decisions on this, your still the decision maker, however it shows that you actualy care about other peoples input = Respect. Good communication is key, in any kind of relationship, this is most important. And it will prevent so much future hassle of people apposing your decisions and then things need to be changed yet again. A bit of communication can go a long way.

The more inconsistent you are, the more people will get frustrated with you and not trust you.
Be consistent. People dont tolerate inconsistancy and constant changes. And things are best gained when it is gained through consistancy = organised = some thought has been put into it = trust

The more you think of your own goals, the more further away from them you will become. Everyone involved has goals, its good to remember that, and the more you work towards helping people reach their goals (either it be staff/students/spouse/children/family/friends), the quicker you find yourself reaching your own goals - when your putting others first then surely Allah will give you barakah in everything.

The more sure of yourself you are, the more others will doubt you. Always doubt yourself, dont think your always right, and dont be so arrogant to think that other people are always wrong. Its a noble thing to admit your wrong and to always worry about your intentions and sincerity. Dont allow arrogance to get the better of you.

Lastly, learn from your mistakes. You failed with the last person, or the last situation, so try not to make the same mistakes with the next ones. Because when there is a consistent pattern, your reputation will then start to fail you aswel.

I dont think this is any kind of wisdom, its just pure logic, and it amazes me how some people fail realise it.

A Guide from Beyond

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
― Rumi

I remember a while back, after chatting to a friend, I say a friend, but actually I didnt know her at all at the time, but she did become someone admirable to me, mostly because she had such a beautiful and refreshing personality. She said to me that it seemed like I had been through quite a lot in a short space of time. It never really dawned on me that that was the case until she said it, I think more fitting is that I have come across many different personalities in a short space of time - I have learnt a lot about people. Yes.

When people go through some hardship, I guess its quite common for them to go through a phase of blocking others out, I was at a stage of never contacting my friends, not visiting family, turning up to classes and then leaving without speaking to anyone. Even though I kind of enjoyed being in my own world so to speak, it seems like there were still individuals who unknowlingly broke me out back into the real world - and although I cant say I would ever be my old self, I am grateful to them and to Allah for sending them to me, to show me that yes there is hope of some good and pure personalities out there. I do not claim to be amongst them, however observing the characters out there, makes me realise who I want to be like and who I would loath to be like.

Certain individuals come into our life for a reason. Allah sends specific people to us to teach us specific things about ourselves. It might be that you never ever realised how impatient you were until someone actually pushed you to your limit - how would you know ur own patience untill someone pushed you?
The people I have come across; good characters, bad ones, ones that I would like to help and others that are beyond help. I guess they scared me, not because they were not great characters, but perhaps because what it made me realise.
I look and I reflect on each person, and I think, what have they taught me about myself? That I am an unforgiving person? Because I couldnt give them a second chance. That I am a gossip? Because they managed to squeeze bits of information from me? That I am not merciful because I exposed anothers faults? That I am caniving because I considered "stabbing them in the back." That I am unjust,
because I stayed quiet rather than standing up for the truth when it was needed? That I am a fool for letting reputable losers take advantage of me.
That I am weak and out of control. That I am nothing. Althought life has taught me well, there is still much to learn. I fear the people I am to meet next but I also look forward to it, I look forward to each individual I meet that makes me a little wiser. Bring it on I say. And although I probably think now that "yeh I have met them all, I can spot them a mile off now" Im sure there are still a few characters that will catch me off guard, just to remind me that you still have so much to learn - about people (and about yourself).

I guess we are all weak in character in some way. The important thing is that we realise it and start to make a change in ourselves, so that the pain/difficulties experienced in our life are not repeated. Because I believe the difficulty comes to you because of a weakness in yourself - not in others. We spend too much time blaming others, finding the minor faults in them, rather than the obvious fault in ourselves. We should realise that it is US that need to make the change, to keep it consistent even when others dont, to fight the battle within ourselves, to always keep our guard up, because the greatest war we have to fight, is the war with ourselves.
When the companions of the Prophet (Peace and blessing be upon him) returned from the Battlefield, The Prophet would say "they have returned from the lesser war to the greater war, (the battle with the self)."
This realisation, reflection and constant effort to change is what makes us the better individual. Its what makes us better Muslims.