People who always choose the "safe" option, will never grow as a person.

"You are not a bad person, you just made bad choices..."

Dear future child, 
I just wanted you to know, 

I can never protect you from the whole world and it's 

Ego, will never satisfy any type of desire

It's just that, I can't watch you pass your life by with

No meaning, and just empty lies that are,

Promised to you by empty lives, Their souls 

Are on fire for what they will do to you and remember, 

What they say isn't true nor is it lies, it's just

Excuses made. It's confusion. Don't be fooled,

By the ones that expose their sins to you, blatantly unaware, 

Of the respect they lose, they are 

Victims of their own shadow and you 

Are but a light of hope and worth, too precious 

To be consumed in confusion. Too dear to care for the uncaring. 

You won't always know it, but your heart will tell you true. 

And although you will keep forgiving, eventually you will see through,
The feelings. 
Your concern should be for the one that never leaves you. 
Your hope should remain in the one that protects you. 
And your trust should never leave the one who gives you truth. 
We are but here only a short time, the chaos in the world is a sign,
That the end is near. Stay in fear,
Of your death, of your judgement of hurting others, their tears 
will speak against you and your tears against them, 
so collect them wisely and be assured that something better awaits.

Perhaps fulfillment won't be found in any action which is done on the basis to reach ones own happiness. But only when an action is done with the intention to first benefit your deen and gain the pleasure of Allah, and second to aid the happiness of another, will one reap the benefits of inner peace, contentment and joy. Some people spend far too long having a mid-life crisis, chasing mirage after mirage, leaving people that matter behind, not knowing that on that journey, the answer to their uncertainty of life lay at home, at the foot of their insecurities. 

We are friends before lovers and love before we lust. There is contentment in the heart and no strong desire, no rampant animal of anxiety or jelousy or uncertainty or "love". We provide each other assurance and loyalty. Our past of hurt ropes us together, for although others rejected us because of our imperfections, we found something perfect in each others. We understand that the empty space will not be filled by one another, we know that that longing to search is ongoing, just that, now there is someone to talk to along the way. We understand space is important, and at times the longing to be alone is great, with a certainty that the other is not too far to fall back into embrace. Our trust is something uncanny, feeling completely content to let go, knowing there is only one place we choose to return to. And when one talks the other listens, perhaps not understanding anything from the world of the others mind, but wanting to connect, eager to console and be consoled, in a language that only souls understand. There is no "spark"  except that which is found in the eyes of a loving gaze, a purity that roots from truthfulness and this is so much more. And as others pity us on the outside, we laugh on the inside, for we found something, a world of our own that sets us free. 

For the sake of Allah

At times we go off track, sometimes our character or mood is completely off, sometimes our aims go off on a tangent, sometimes we lose the meaning of life. So if we bring everything back to Islam, if we remind ourselves that we are muslim, why we are here, the character we should strive for, the life we should live based on the sunnah, should we really have any reason to be on a downer, to treat people badly, to have behavioral problems, to play hide and seek with people's hearts? to act like jerks, And thus to not reach our goals? 

I realized that everything in our lives should be brought back to Islam and the sunnah. You can't go wrong right? You treat people well regardless, your intention in everything will be good, your cause will always be to fulfill the sunnah and to do things for the sake of Allah and for that sake we are filled with contentment. Intention should be driven by Deen. Some people have no intention, which can be just as bad as a bad intention! 
If we are grateful, Allah will give us more. If we strive to complete the sunnah, there will be contentment in our lives. If we provide some happiness to others, Allah will provide us with peace. To me it's a no brainer. Allow yourself to live, why punish yourself by depriving yourself of that which Allah made obligatory upon you. This life is short, there is no time to faff around, get on with living! If you have faith in Allah, He will facilitate your happiness, and if you are strong enough to strive to bring every aspect in your life back to the sunnah, then there will be no room for shaytan to make you weak. Aim for the sunnah, act on the sunnah, progress and achieve in this life and the next. Simples? 

Oh and just because its 3.15am: 

Silly Quote

Yehhhh right! 

Finished ranting here, time to rant to Allah: Tahajjud!

Pulling the Plug

Three days a week my mum goes to hospital and spends four hours on a dialysis machine. Each time a taxi picks her up and makes the rounds to pick some other patients up to drop them off to the hospital for their session. Every week there is always news of another death on the dialysis ward, each time causing surprise, "What that nice chubby-ish lady that used to sit next to you?" or "Gosh that guy with no legs?" and each time sending a shiver up your spine, whose next...?

One day my mum came home with a story which I found really sad but greatly reflects how we all feel in life at times, if not most of the time. The taxi was doing his usual rounds and stops at a house of an elderly lady, and after waiting ten minutes for her, he decided to go knock on her door. The door was opened by the lady's son, who was quite distraught, and tells the taxi driver 

"She just doesn't want to go today, she said she won't go anymore, she has had enough, I have been trying to convince her but she is just refusing to go!"

So keeping in mind, that not doing even one dialysis session can be quite life threatening for these patients, and eventually would cause death in a short period, with a build up of water in the lungs and toxins. This lady was refusing to keep herself alive and I could understand her feeling, from witnessing what my mum goes through on a daily basis. Always feeling unwell, awake all night because of other pains and aches, even having to sit there for hours, waiting for a machine to do the job of your kidneys, isn't that the worst thing? That your body is so broken down, a machine has to keep it going. Is that body really worth living? Perhaps this was her feeling at the time. 

We are fortunate as Muslims to have Islam to bring us hope. That every disease, pain or health condition is a way of forgiveness of our sins, that everything is for a reason which Allah knows best and of course in everything we must keep patience. My mum is the most patient person in the world. Although even she gets fed up, after spending two weeks in hospital now (for another illness!), whereas I would have had it by the first few days! Our body is just a vehicle, we do not own it, we have only borrowed it for a short time. Therefore, we do not have the choice to end its life, as it does not belong to us anyway. Nor do we have the right to mis-use it, intoxicate it, which reminds of a time when someone used to tell me that they wish they could just get drunk and forget (lol!). Like any vehicle it may break down, part by part, but what we must remember, is that it is merely a form of transport, to get us from one destination to another, and inshallah whatever we are suffering in this journey, the destination is what will make it all worth while, so long as we remain patient with what Allah has decreed for us.

Calligraphy: First attempts

Calligraphy Practice 

"Breakups Make Bodybuilders"

I guess without even knowing it my blog turned into something of a rant rather than the intention of what I started up for. Although my intentions were somewhat mixed and if I were to be honest with myself it was really to show someone that I am more than what they thought. The problem with this is that when that someone is no longer in your life, your purpose of writing kind of dies too.  I guess in the process of trying to prove others wrong I somehow showed myself and became so much more, yes I surprised even myself  ("breakups make bodybuilders" as they say) and once your quite happy with who you are, what do you then write about. You don't write, you rant perhaps?

I think anyone who has been following my blog closely will see the cycle that I went through, its easy, after a breakup, to be completely self critical of yourself, so I went from being completely discontent with myself and who I am because others rejected me, and believing that their reasons for rejection where pure truth, to trying to prove them wrong, to trying to change myself in ways that were not possible for me, to trying to find myself and who I really am,  to reaching out to others, to being content with just me and what was decreed for me. There were times where blasts from the past occurred, sometimes in reality and sometimes in my head and some of my posts turned out to be completely bitter with no point to it at all, except to get it out of my head, and I don't apologise for that, I'm sure you know if it's aimed at you, yes it is, aimed at you... 

You see with whatever intention I started off with, I got something else out of it, in some ways it was a release of frustration. Either I write or I punch you in the face. In other ways it was a distraction. And it was a way to get away, when I couldn't physically get away. Maybe it will benefit others, maybe it won't, I don't think I really care, but I know the parts which benefit me, and it is this self growth which matters most. It is this growth which keeps me content, because if you have been through tough times and not grown from it, then may Allah help you with the turmoil festering in your heart.

Cute swirly pic

When Will You Set It Free?

I guess it all started, with beautiful intentions,

Till you took a turn an it was, out the door.

And then it got serious,

What was I writing, confused and delirious 

And now you look hilarious.

Not living the dream which you thought I would,

Hold you back from.

And it was your mistake to think that I would, never grow,

Because where am I now? And, How did you know?

That I could never help you. I protest, It was,

All a game and my honor was your dice, It was, 

Never played fairly, you took all the moves,

Once, Twice, Thrice...

And I didn't have a chance to win or to lose, in limbo,

My time that you took, and an apology that never stuck ... "I'm sorry.."

It's never too late, but it's always too soon to fix the damage.

Of a threatened heart, the carnage,

Of a troubled soul,

When will you set it free...?

A lot of my posts are completely random, and most of the time I am completely content and at peace when posting. It is just words and perhaps passing thoughts, you may let them affect you or not, like most things in life.    :)

Too Young to Know

In those days, I didn't understand anything. I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contadictory! But I was too young to know how to love her.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"No amount of makeup can hide an ugly heart"

For all the men out there looking for a "Supermodel" to marry, and all the ungrateful husbands who go home dissatisfied and put their wives down for not being "beautiful" enough, know one thing...what you see out there, its all makeup, so start appreciating natural beauty, how Allah made us. Oh and one more thing, get over yourself.

Leaving a trail of broken hearts, wont lead you to a fulfilling relationship.

Treasure for Keeps

And so in all the fluster of grabbing a diamond, you lost the gem already tucked safely in your pocket.

Gem

Forget money, looks, education, great job, even "religiousness". 
If a person can make you smile, can make you laugh, and is completely content with who you are, the way you are, right at this moment in time. Then be assured, that, you will at least have someone who will stay by your side, not turn their back on you, and keep you smiling through every difficulty that you will face together. Even the most imperfect person becomes perfect, simply by the way they make you feel; that you are a gem, a treasure, which they will never risk losing...

Focus on who is here now, and not the ones that left you. Because for sure, whoever is not content with you now, certainly never will be in the future. 

Isolation Became Dear to Him

Why did isolation become dear to the Prophet (Peace be upon him)? Why did he feel the need to escape to Mount Hira for deep contemplation and reflection, even before prophethood. Sometimes, it is necessary to cut all connections with the world and people, in order to renew your connection with yourself, and thus your Lord. As Imaam Al-Ghazzali says “The heart is that in which if a man knows it, he knows himself, and if he knows himself, he knows his Lord. It is that in which if a man knows it not, he knows not himself and thus he knows not his Lord.”

When Pure Souls Meet

Sometimes you just have to let people go and find their own way in life. It could be that that path is to lead them straight back to you anyway. Trust in Allah's plan. Be patient, persevere and be content. This will only make you stronger and fully deserving of whats to come. Remember we are all on a journey, on a mission to find ourselves. And some will run away from themselves, but the self will undoubtedly follow and show them who they really are. Don't be afraid, because after you know who you are, you will know what decisions to make, you will know your purpose in life. And there are many, travelers on this journey, whom you may meet along the way. And you will find comfort in knowing, that you are not the only one and you will feel encouraged with their advice to keep going...
Appreciate that the journey of others may be longer, or bumpier than yours. Some peoples souls are in need of more cleansing than yours and all that will make them fully deserving of you too. You are not at loss. Because in the end, pure souls will meet, knowing that the journey of searching was a journey of purification, so that they may finally, find peace with one another.

Marriage and Insecurities

Insecurities are common for every marriage or relationship. I of all people know that. And these insecurities can grow, especially if one fails in their past relationships. Its common to blame ourselves for a marriage not working, saying we were not good enough for such a person, in one way or another and we make the mistake of looking for people that we think suit us better, but in fact, they actually suit our insecurities. 
What I mean by this is that we look for people "lower" than us, or more needy of us, so that it makes us feel we are totally in control. But in truth our insecurity is in control, because instead of dealing with it and overcoming it, we are only feeding it, growing and nurturing it to become something of a phobia. We need to realise, its all a state of the mind, and the mind is such a powerful tool. This is not about fighting, and winning the war of your insecurity, this is about being intelligent enough to deal with the problem after you have realised it. 

How to deal with it?
It depends on what your insecure about. It could be looks, it could be lack of knowledge or intellect, it could be that I think my partner will get bored of me, its all a state of the mind, and they all require simple communication, with yourself and with your partner.
Talk to them, ask them what they love to talk about, ask them how they love to see you dressed, ask them about what they want, and then work on it. Maybe you will keep failing at it, for example, I am not great at talking politics, but the more I try to talk about it, the more informed I will become, the closer I will become to developing my own ideas and feelings about it, and even my own opinions, and strategies. Its a step by step process, one which you may fail at some steps and seem a bit dumb, but don't take it so seriously, its important to be able to laugh at yourself and your own mistakes, and have fun in teaching each other, and don't allow the other person to feel stupid, we are what we are at the end of the day, we are all learning here and a sense of humour goes a long way in relationships, marriage should be fun, lets not forget that, because we are on this journey together.

We always tend to imagine the worst in our heads, especially us women, most likely its not even like that. We over think things and play things up so much in our heads that it becomes a mini drama. But in fact, this thing that you find such a massive problem, really isn't so massive. Find something else in the relationship to concentrate on, something you know your good at, making people laugh, informing them of interesting information, cooking, and physiologically your confidence with naturally increase, and once you have reached this level, you will start to naturally feel confident in other things too, allow it time, to take its own course, step by step. 

Running away from marriage is not the answer, not for long term anyway. 
Trying again and working on it with your partner is. We are all scared of failing, but if we don't try then neither will we succeed.  Marriage is about teamwork, friendship, understanding, you should want to help each other be better partners, most importantly, you should allow your partner to help you, we just need to try, because in effect this makes us better slaves of Allah. 

And Allah knows best.

Frustrations in Egypt

Bissmillahir rahmanir raheem,

It wasn't the electricity cutting off for hours that frustrated me, nor was it the water being cut off for days on end, nor the increase in prices of local produce, or even the masses of rubbish accumulating on the streets. It was saying goodbye. And everyone knows how I hate goodbyes. I have said goodbye 3 times in the last 12 hours. To people who came to Egypt to seek knowledge and some for the betterment of their children's islamic upbringing. And now they feel the need to leave for what seems to be threatening this initial intention. Its really sad.

Fair vote, fair elections, is the only reason Morsi was elected. Doesn't it make sense to let him finish his course and re-elect, if after he has proven to do nothing for this impatient country? Truth is, most people on the street don't even know whose side they are on, pro-morsi or not, they just want change. The problem is, they want it too fast and join in the demonstrations purely for this reason, whereas for others, its just a reason to go out and party. And who is "egging them on" Morsi's oposition, of course. Those who have made his time in government not an easy ride. Those who behind the scenes, burst water pipes so we went without water for weeks, those who stole the petrol and threw it in the desert. Those who are paying people to cut the electricity and make our lives as inconvenient as possible. All these things done deliberately to frustrate the people, and then suddenly BANG, they ignite the spark to demonstrate and then let the dumb people do the rest. They are being played like puppets, if only they realised. Its not a new government that they need, its a new way of looking at things, wisdom, patience, and understanding of the reality of whats happening.

Bearded men getting attacked on the streets, and niqabis not safe to walk in peace, this is what they wanted all along, their plan of turning muslims against muslims, to divide us and to wipe out Islam. And it is the fact that Deen is not strong in their hearts which is the reason for them being so blind and delusional.
Ya Allah give them patience, understanding, and make them strong in Deen. Ameen.

Alexandria Egypt.

Advice to the Soul

My dear soul, look out towards the sea. Doesn't its vastness make your woes seem so minute to the Heart?

Marsa Matruh, Egypt, June 2013