When Will You Set It Free?

I guess it all started, with beautiful intentions,

Till you took a turn an it was, out the door.

And then it got serious,

What was I writing, confused and delirious 

And now you look hilarious.

Not living the dream which you thought I would,

Hold you back from.

And it was your mistake to think that I would, never grow,

Because where am I now? And, How did you know?

That I could never help you. I protest, It was,

All a game and my honor was your dice, It was, 

Never played fairly, you took all the moves,

Once, Twice, Thrice...

And I didn't have a chance to win or to lose, in limbo,

My time that you took, and an apology that never stuck ... "I'm sorry.."

It's never too late, but it's always too soon to fix the damage.

Of a threatened heart, the carnage,

Of a troubled soul,

When will you set it free...?

A lot of my posts are completely random, and most of the time I am completely content and at peace when posting. It is just words and perhaps passing thoughts, you may let them affect you or not, like most things in life.    :)

Too Young to Know

In those days, I didn't understand anything. I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contadictory! But I was too young to know how to love her.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Compatibility of Hearts

This explains a lot... Why some people just don't get along, and never will. And others just feel a natural connection;

Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al Kawthari:

Allah Most High has placed a natural connection and compatibility between some people, and disconnection and incompatibility between others. Some hearts are naturally connected, whilst others are not. Some people are inclined towards each other and destined to get along, whilst others are not. This is the reason why we sometimes feel an instant connection with another person – be it a family member, teacher, Shaykh, work colleague or someone random. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, “Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)

This refers to the beginning of creation in the realm of the unseen when, it is reported, souls were created before bodies, and used to meet one another. When they enter bodies (come to the physical realm); those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they do not get along with. Moreover, this happens because of something in common that Allah has created between them; so people who have similar characteristics will like one another, and those who do not have similar characteristics will not like one another. People with good qualities are inclined towards other good people, and people with evil qualities are similarly inclined towards other evil people. (Fath al-Bari and Nawawi)

Amrah bint Abd al-Rahman says, “There was a woman in Makka who liked to joke, and she came and stayed with a woman in Madina who was like her [i.e. she liked to joke as well]. When A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) heard about this, she said, ‘my beloved (Allah bless him & give him peace) spoke the truth. I heard the Messenger of Allah saying…’ and then mentioned a similar hadith.” (Sunan Abi Ya’la)

Marriage is selflessness

 A well known scholar once said "Relationships between a man and a woman should be rooted in selflessness, a husband should reflect on how he could give to his wife more than he takes. And she should reflect on how she can give more than she takes. This selflessness will allow hearts to absorb the realities of love that so many are missing today"   

Mufti Menk - be fair and just

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyfnTcdx_bM

- Support the spouse.
- Do not side with one of them (the wife or the mother) be fair and just.
- "My mother is my door to paradise." But know that your mother is your door to hell also.
- When you don't lay down the limits, then the marriage cannot work.
- Look after the parents, but be just in relation to your spouse.

"No amount of makeup can hide an ugly heart"

For all the men out there looking for a "Supermodel" to marry, and all the ungrateful husbands who go home dissatisfied and put their wives down for not being "beautiful" enough, know one thing...what you see out there, its all makeup, so start appreciating natural beauty, how Allah made us. Oh and one more thing, get over yourself.

Gem

Forget money, looks, education, great job, even "religiousness". 
If a person can make you smile, can make you laugh, and is completely content with who you are, the way you are, right at this moment in time. Then be assured, that, you will at least have someone who will stay by your side, not turn their back on you, and keep you smiling through every difficulty that you will face together. Even the most imperfect person becomes perfect, simply by the way they make you feel; that you are a gem, a treasure, which they will never risk losing...

Focus on who is here now, and not the ones that left you. Because for sure, whoever is not content with you now, certainly never will be in the future. 

Delaying Marriage

Shaykh Ibn Baaz (rahimahoellah):What is required is to hasten to get married, and no young man or young woman should delay marriage for the sake of studies, because marriage does not prevent any such thing. It is possible for a young man to get married in order to protect his religious commitment and morals, and enable him to lower his gaze. Marriage serves many purposes, especially in this day and age. Because delaying it is harmful for both young women and young men, every young man and every young woman should hasten to get married if there is a man who is compatible with the woman, and if a man can find the right woman.

Ibn Mas’ood said: “If I only had ten days left to live, and I knew that I would die at the end of them, and I was able to get married, I would do so, for fear of fitnah (temptation).”

The Prophet (Peace be Upon Him): “Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of me.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5063; Muslim, 1401. 

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose (calm, comfort etc) in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect" (Surah Rum : 20-21)

When Pure Souls Meet

Sometimes you just have to let people go and find their own way in life. It could be that that path is to lead them straight back to you anyway. Trust in Allah's plan. Be patient, persevere and be content. This will only make you stronger and fully deserving of whats to come. Remember we are all on a journey, on a mission to find ourselves. And some will run away from themselves, but the self will undoubtedly follow and show them who they really are. Don't be afraid, because after you know who you are, you will know what decisions to make, you will know your purpose in life. And there are many, travelers on this journey, whom you may meet along the way. And you will find comfort in knowing, that you are not the only one and you will feel encouraged with their advice to keep going...
Appreciate that the journey of others may be longer, or bumpier than yours. Some peoples souls are in need of more cleansing than yours and all that will make them fully deserving of you too. You are not at loss. Because in the end, pure souls will meet, knowing that the journey of searching was a journey of purification, so that they may finally, find peace with one another.

Marriage and Insecurities

Insecurities are common for every marriage or relationship. I of all people know that. And these insecurities can grow, especially if one fails in their past relationships. Its common to blame ourselves for a marriage not working, saying we were not good enough for such a person, in one way or another and we make the mistake of looking for people that we think suit us better, but in fact, they actually suit our insecurities. 
What I mean by this is that we look for people "lower" than us, or more needy of us, so that it makes us feel we are totally in control. But in truth our insecurity is in control, because instead of dealing with it and overcoming it, we are only feeding it, growing and nurturing it to become something of a phobia. We need to realise, its all a state of the mind, and the mind is such a powerful tool. This is not about fighting, and winning the war of your insecurity, this is about being intelligent enough to deal with the problem after you have realised it. 

How to deal with it?
It depends on what your insecure about. It could be looks, it could be lack of knowledge or intellect, it could be that I think my partner will get bored of me, its all a state of the mind, and they all require simple communication, with yourself and with your partner.
Talk to them, ask them what they love to talk about, ask them how they love to see you dressed, ask them about what they want, and then work on it. Maybe you will keep failing at it, for example, I am not great at talking politics, but the more I try to talk about it, the more informed I will become, the closer I will become to developing my own ideas and feelings about it, and even my own opinions, and strategies. Its a step by step process, one which you may fail at some steps and seem a bit dumb, but don't take it so seriously, its important to be able to laugh at yourself and your own mistakes, and have fun in teaching each other, and don't allow the other person to feel stupid, we are what we are at the end of the day, we are all learning here and a sense of humour goes a long way in relationships, marriage should be fun, lets not forget that, because we are on this journey together.

We always tend to imagine the worst in our heads, especially us women, most likely its not even like that. We over think things and play things up so much in our heads that it becomes a mini drama. But in fact, this thing that you find such a massive problem, really isn't so massive. Find something else in the relationship to concentrate on, something you know your good at, making people laugh, informing them of interesting information, cooking, and physiologically your confidence with naturally increase, and once you have reached this level, you will start to naturally feel confident in other things too, allow it time, to take its own course, step by step. 

Running away from marriage is not the answer, not for long term anyway. 
Trying again and working on it with your partner is. We are all scared of failing, but if we don't try then neither will we succeed.  Marriage is about teamwork, friendship, understanding, you should want to help each other be better partners, most importantly, you should allow your partner to help you, we just need to try, because in effect this makes us better slaves of Allah. 

And Allah knows best.

Sudden realisation

 It's not about finding the best person, it's about finding the person who brings out the best in you.

Cry it Out.

Sometimes you just have to cry it out. And when we are totally broken, when we have exhausted all other avenues, demeaning as they are, the last thing we resort to is this. And suddenly for whatever reason the burden becomes lighter. Suddenly another door opens, and suddenly it seems so much easier to close the last door. It doesn't matter how much people disappoint you, how many times they try to break you, it is purely to bring you back down to the realisation that, you are nothing, you are not in control, and that He is the only one you can turn to, to enable you to move on again. And those who don't realise this and do not turn to Him, who do not cry it out, and beg for his mercy and forgiveness, they will carry on going through the turmoil of fighting the war waging within themselves.

Why is is that when we have lost all hope, not knowing which way to turn, full of confusion and thoughts and thinking "What if? Why?", crying brings us this result? Because this is where you are at your most weakest point which no one would want to admit, even to  themselves, never mind to others. And for you to accept this, to finally break down all the barriers and just surrender yourself, to Allah, and to the plan that He set out for you, in this we find peace, we set ourselves free.

"One of the marvels of the world: The sight of a soul sitting in prison with the key in its hand."

-Rumi

Sunnah of S... II

Something I think that should be talked about more (in a controlled setting - with teachers/scholars/Councillors/people of knowledge). Simply because its something so simple, and ignorance in this matter can have such traumatic effects on people/marriages on a physical and psychological level. Due to culture we are taught to shy away from such issues, but as Muslims there is nothing wrong with developing an understanding and still remaining humble and modest about it. It's easy for people to say that these issues do not concern them, as it is simply "not in their nature", well all I can say is; make it your nature. Follow the Sunnah, or you will always fail in this. 

A great piece, well done: 

http://muslimmatters.org/2013/05/03/vignettes-on-female-sexuality/

They Need to Go. For Sure.

The Best and Most Beloved Wife.

"she believed in me when all others disbelieved; she held me truthful when others called me a liar; she sheltered me when others abandoned me; she comforted me when others shunned me; and Allah (SWT) granted me children by her while depriving me of children by other women." (Prophet Mohammed, Peace and Blessings be Upon Him, about his beloved wife Lady Khadija.)

And That is Enough

I've learned I will almost never get it right first time,
I've learnt not to give up, to change my methods and try again, and again.
I've learnt to trust my instincts,
I've learnt that my greatest inspirations are deeply rooted to my fears,
I've learnt that ugly people will always be ugly, and beautiful people can be even more ugly.
I've learnt that giving up on love is not the answer, nor is chasing the love that never existed.
I've learnt that I should never try to change for the sake of people's ego.
I've learnt that my inability to walk away reflects on my weak Imaan, and what I do walk away from will pursue me. Iv learnt its hard not to look back. Its really hard.
I've learnt to smile and laugh at myself when the world seems dark,
I've learnt that you will feel Allah's love at times when you are feeling so unloved, and that that love is enough.
I've learnt that in the end, the truth always comes out, no matter how hard someone tries to make you look bad. That Allah sends the rain to wash away their black lies and criticisms. I love the rain.
I've learnt that in silence I find solace...but also fear.
I've learnt to protect myself by building a wall, yet still allowing myself to watch the world and lives around me through a gap...I've learnt anyone can get in that gap.
I've learnt that I never knew what I wanted, that I was easily influenced, that I tried hard to please others and agree to their way of thinking, even if I thought otherwise, and that not knowing what I wanted led me to the wrong people. I've learnt to know what I want.
I have learnt that there are people who want you and then there are people who need you. Its better to be needed.
I've learnt the people that are furthest away will always be the ones you miss most.
I've learnt to remember the bad times and not just the good. Because in the good you have regret, and in the bad you have relief.
I've learnt that the people that harmed you will have that same harm caused upon them, that what they took
from you will undoubtedly be taken from them too in the same form or another.
I see the innocence in those younger than me, I have learnt that time will teach them too, regardless of my warnings to them.
I have learnt that I strive to always find solutions for others, but give up when I can never find them for myself.
I have learnt that not every one will understand me. Nor do I want everyone to understand me. And the ones who do, only do because, they have learnt too.

Advice for Husbands/Men/Brothers/Dads...

(This made me laugh. Probably because it sounds like me...)

" It is currently ‘that time of the month’ for my wife and she has gone off in a huff over a picture of a lemon (or so I think). This is nothing new and something that I have become used to over the period of our marriage. Things like this are trivial to me, but seem to tip her over the edge. 

However, I then remembered that one of the qualities of all good Muslims is patience (sabr). I know that at ‘this time of the month’, I need to just let her be rather than make a bigger issue about this. She will eventually calm down and things will be normal again."

http://www.purematrimony.com/blog/2013/04/a-dads-discourse-have-a-little-patience/

Regrets

Its not that we regret the past, nor do we regret the people we meet, its just that we regret not knowing then, what we know now.

Sometimes a person can go to school, college and then university. They study for years in a particular field to enter into a certain profession. But it doesn't matter how much preparation you do, you never really learn until you start practicing in that profession. And suddenly all that study was almost a waste, it didn't prepare you even half as much as you needed, to be fully equipped to deal with what you have to deal with on the job.

I guess marriage is like this. You may feel like you know how to be the perfect partner, you may go to all the marriage talks that will equip you with an understanding of marriage, what kind of person to marry, how to deal with obstacles, how to deal with the mother-in-law and family members, you may have even walked away with a certificate stating that you attended such and such marriage course. You have read all the books so your now convinced that you are now fully prepared for whatever "Happily ever after" has to throw at you. And then you get married. And your like "Hang on, it wasn't quite like this in the book, or I don't think he was meant to quite react like that.." and your at square one again.

No one is really taught how to have a successful marriage until they are actually married and put under the turmoils of that marriage, only to come out from those turmoils - more educated, more learned, more prepared. We only know how marriage should be through seeing how other people are with each other, our parents, our siblings, our friends, however we don't really see what happens behind closed doors, the arguments and such, and our parents have spent years building such a close relationship like that, you can't expect your marriage to be as strong as theirs at the initial stages.  Attending courses and reading books can only really give you an insight, but the real teacher is marriage itself.

We learn how to become a better spouse to our partner through every obstacle, every misunderstanding, every argument, every silent treatment, we learn the likes and dislikes of our partner, we learn what makes them tick, we learn how to make them happy and content, we learn how to deal with family members, that your mother-in-law wants a phone call every day, that your father-in-law likes his coffee strong, that your brother/sister-in-laws are total nut cases, but you learn to love them anyway - you can't possibly know any of these things before you have even met your spouse, and its this, which makes us so under equipped for a successful marriage. And to those who criticise you for being a bad spouse, say to them that no one taught you how to be a good one, you are still learning, tell them to be patient with you, for you have an urge to make your partner happy, its just that you may not always know the means of doing so, you are so to speak, "learning on the job".

Its only with persistence and perseverance, with being firm with every lesson that comes to teach you and not so weak as to run away and give up when you think you don't have the answer, believe that the answer will come to you, so long as you are sincere, and once you know what you didn't know then, you are on your way to a successful marriage inshallah.

The Sunnah of S....Most Beautifully put

"I guarantee you that you will fail in this endeavor, most likely many times. You will make mistakes. You will feel guilty. You will feel awkward. You will feel misunderstood. You will feel like it is too much of a struggle. But it we stop trying to do the right thing, and stop trying to treat other human beings in the right way, and stop trying to be thankful for the beauty that God has placed in this world, then we will just fall deeper into the darknesses that Islam was meant to lead us out of, and we will never reach the point where everything falls into place and we realize why God made us the way He did, how He did, when He did, and why He surrounded us with certain souls. Was not Muhammad for Khadija and Khadija for Muhammad, for all eternity, from the moment their souls were created by God (may everlasting peace and blessings envelop the Prophet, his wives, and their children)!"

http://islamatbrown.blogspot.com/2013/04/on-sex.html?m=1

Become Someone Who is Deserving

Realise that your failure in the past was for a reason.  Stop blaming the other person, for once, blame yourself and change yourself. And only then you will find contentment. Life is like a game at times. If you lose in the game, then you have to realise what your weaknesses were and improve your skills before trying again, only then will you be successful at winning the game the next time round. But if you don't realise and try to improve those skills (or learn new ones), then your going to keep losing, for sure.

How to change is the question perhaps. Its obvious, but only if you reflect on it. And it can be a combination of external and internal aspects, different for each individual. External being: A bad tempered, foul mouthed person, needs to work on his anger management  or someone who is overly pedantic and particular about things needs to realise that not every one is like them and they just need to chill out a bit, an intelligent person who needs an "intelligent" conversation needs to stop looking down on others, thinking they are not enough of a stimulation for them, there are so many ways to find your entertainment with people, if your willing to change and be less arrogant about it, and the list goes on...

And internally? No good will come to you if your still doing bad. And once you become straight with Allah, He will bring things to you from a path you never expected it from. The trick is to let go, of all the bad things in your life, of all the things that give you distress, worry, anxiety, let go and cut it off, close the door completely, for even if you leave it a little open, there remains a chance that it will return and drag you back down again.
Focus on Allah and believe that He will only bring you good when you are full deserving of it.

Sometimes people tell me that I ran away from all my problems in life and made out like this was a bad thing. For me I see it as a good thing, I didn't run away, it was just a way of removing myself from all the things that were causing me harm to my deen, I came to cleanse, to reflect, to change. And I am so much more happier for it. And there may be times where the opportunity arises for you to fall back into your old habits, and sometimes you succumb to it and sometimes your strong and avoid it, its all a test and its all part of the process of learning, A test to see if you are worthy yet, of the goodness Allah kept in store for you,
He is waiting to give it to you and He wants to give it to you. This is what people need to realise,
when they lose hope and believe that they will never find happiness, they should remember that its only them that keeps messing up their own happiness, (because they don't change their ways).

I deliberately ask people why they think they experienced such and such experience in their life. And some will say its the will of Allah, (although this applies) they say this only to remove any blame from themselves, because on digging deeper they will then blame the other person completely without any fault on them. I find that quite sad, if not laughable, because it shows they didn't learn anything about themselves in that lesson. And if they learnt something it was only to defend their own actions e.g "I am too trusting, too caring" etc.
I guess with young people its less irritating to hear that from, because there is still a chance for them to realise in later life. But for those that are older...? Well if they haven't realised by now at that age how to change, in order to find contentment, well more fool them.
Let them live in their own little world of perfection, whilst us imperfect people carry on with life in happiness.

*Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. 
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.* –Rumi

(Picture: Alexandria, Egypt 2013)