Compatibility of Hearts

This explains a lot... Why some people just don't get along, and never will. And others just feel a natural connection;

Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al Kawthari:

Allah Most High has placed a natural connection and compatibility between some people, and disconnection and incompatibility between others. Some hearts are naturally connected, whilst others are not. Some people are inclined towards each other and destined to get along, whilst others are not. This is the reason why we sometimes feel an instant connection with another person – be it a family member, teacher, Shaykh, work colleague or someone random. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, “Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)

This refers to the beginning of creation in the realm of the unseen when, it is reported, souls were created before bodies, and used to meet one another. When they enter bodies (come to the physical realm); those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they do not get along with. Moreover, this happens because of something in common that Allah has created between them; so people who have similar characteristics will like one another, and those who do not have similar characteristics will not like one another. People with good qualities are inclined towards other good people, and people with evil qualities are similarly inclined towards other evil people. (Fath al-Bari and Nawawi)

Amrah bint Abd al-Rahman says, “There was a woman in Makka who liked to joke, and she came and stayed with a woman in Madina who was like her [i.e. she liked to joke as well]. When A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) heard about this, she said, ‘my beloved (Allah bless him & give him peace) spoke the truth. I heard the Messenger of Allah saying…’ and then mentioned a similar hadith.” (Sunan Abi Ya’la)

Marriage is selflessness

 A well known scholar once said "Relationships between a man and a woman should be rooted in selflessness, a husband should reflect on how he could give to his wife more than he takes. And she should reflect on how she can give more than she takes. This selflessness will allow hearts to absorb the realities of love that so many are missing today"   

Mufti Menk - be fair and just

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyfnTcdx_bM

- Support the spouse.
- Do not side with one of them (the wife or the mother) be fair and just.
- "My mother is my door to paradise." But know that your mother is your door to hell also.
- When you don't lay down the limits, then the marriage cannot work.
- Look after the parents, but be just in relation to your spouse.

"No amount of makeup can hide an ugly heart"

For all the men out there looking for a "Supermodel" to marry, and all the ungrateful husbands who go home dissatisfied and put their wives down for not being "beautiful" enough, know one thing...what you see out there, its all makeup, so start appreciating natural beauty, how Allah made us. Oh and one more thing, get over yourself.

Let them be Men

Men need to be given responsibility at a young age in order to grow up and become responsible husbands and fathers. The reason why men are so irresponsible these days and become overwhelmed when they get married is because they don't know how to cope with the duties and responsibilities that come with the new wife. Whose fault is this if not the parents? Mothers, stop Molly coddling your sons and allow your boys to be men and leaders of the ummah. And fathers allow and trust your sons to make their own decisions along with your advice and wisdom, but dont make the decision for them. The prophet peace be upon him used to put the younger Sahaba sometimes teens, at the forfront of the battle field and gave them responsibility to lead the army to war. Sometimes we miss certain aspects of the sunnah which in effect has negative backlash in the future of the children whome we one day expect to be responsible adults, dutiful husbands and leaders of the ummah. How do you expect that when one was never taught or allowed that from a young age?

Leaving a trail of broken hearts, wont lead you to a fulfilling relationship.

Treasure for Keeps

And so in all the fluster of grabbing a diamond, you lost the gem already tucked safely in your pocket.

Gem

Forget money, looks, education, great job, even "religiousness". 
If a person can make you smile, can make you laugh, and is completely content with who you are, the way you are, right at this moment in time. Then be assured, that, you will at least have someone who will stay by your side, not turn their back on you, and keep you smiling through every difficulty that you will face together. Even the most imperfect person becomes perfect, simply by the way they make you feel; that you are a gem, a treasure, which they will never risk losing...

Focus on who is here now, and not the ones that left you. Because for sure, whoever is not content with you now, certainly never will be in the future. 

Delaying Marriage

Shaykh Ibn Baaz (rahimahoellah):What is required is to hasten to get married, and no young man or young woman should delay marriage for the sake of studies, because marriage does not prevent any such thing. It is possible for a young man to get married in order to protect his religious commitment and morals, and enable him to lower his gaze. Marriage serves many purposes, especially in this day and age. Because delaying it is harmful for both young women and young men, every young man and every young woman should hasten to get married if there is a man who is compatible with the woman, and if a man can find the right woman.

Ibn Mas’ood said: “If I only had ten days left to live, and I knew that I would die at the end of them, and I was able to get married, I would do so, for fear of fitnah (temptation).”

The Prophet (Peace be Upon Him): “Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of me.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5063; Muslim, 1401. 

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose (calm, comfort etc) in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect" (Surah Rum : 20-21)

Isolation Became Dear to Him

Why did isolation become dear to the Prophet (Peace be upon him)? Why did he feel the need to escape to Mount Hira for deep contemplation and reflection, even before prophethood. Sometimes, it is necessary to cut all connections with the world and people, in order to renew your connection with yourself, and thus your Lord. As Imaam Al-Ghazzali says “The heart is that in which if a man knows it, he knows himself, and if he knows himself, he knows his Lord. It is that in which if a man knows it not, he knows not himself and thus he knows not his Lord.”

When Pure Souls Meet

Sometimes you just have to let people go and find their own way in life. It could be that that path is to lead them straight back to you anyway. Trust in Allah's plan. Be patient, persevere and be content. This will only make you stronger and fully deserving of whats to come. Remember we are all on a journey, on a mission to find ourselves. And some will run away from themselves, but the self will undoubtedly follow and show them who they really are. Don't be afraid, because after you know who you are, you will know what decisions to make, you will know your purpose in life. And there are many, travelers on this journey, whom you may meet along the way. And you will find comfort in knowing, that you are not the only one and you will feel encouraged with their advice to keep going...
Appreciate that the journey of others may be longer, or bumpier than yours. Some peoples souls are in need of more cleansing than yours and all that will make them fully deserving of you too. You are not at loss. Because in the end, pure souls will meet, knowing that the journey of searching was a journey of purification, so that they may finally, find peace with one another.

Marriage and Insecurities

Insecurities are common for every marriage or relationship. I of all people know that. And these insecurities can grow, especially if one fails in their past relationships. Its common to blame ourselves for a marriage not working, saying we were not good enough for such a person, in one way or another and we make the mistake of looking for people that we think suit us better, but in fact, they actually suit our insecurities. 
What I mean by this is that we look for people "lower" than us, or more needy of us, so that it makes us feel we are totally in control. But in truth our insecurity is in control, because instead of dealing with it and overcoming it, we are only feeding it, growing and nurturing it to become something of a phobia. We need to realise, its all a state of the mind, and the mind is such a powerful tool. This is not about fighting, and winning the war of your insecurity, this is about being intelligent enough to deal with the problem after you have realised it. 

How to deal with it?
It depends on what your insecure about. It could be looks, it could be lack of knowledge or intellect, it could be that I think my partner will get bored of me, its all a state of the mind, and they all require simple communication, with yourself and with your partner.
Talk to them, ask them what they love to talk about, ask them how they love to see you dressed, ask them about what they want, and then work on it. Maybe you will keep failing at it, for example, I am not great at talking politics, but the more I try to talk about it, the more informed I will become, the closer I will become to developing my own ideas and feelings about it, and even my own opinions, and strategies. Its a step by step process, one which you may fail at some steps and seem a bit dumb, but don't take it so seriously, its important to be able to laugh at yourself and your own mistakes, and have fun in teaching each other, and don't allow the other person to feel stupid, we are what we are at the end of the day, we are all learning here and a sense of humour goes a long way in relationships, marriage should be fun, lets not forget that, because we are on this journey together.

We always tend to imagine the worst in our heads, especially us women, most likely its not even like that. We over think things and play things up so much in our heads that it becomes a mini drama. But in fact, this thing that you find such a massive problem, really isn't so massive. Find something else in the relationship to concentrate on, something you know your good at, making people laugh, informing them of interesting information, cooking, and physiologically your confidence with naturally increase, and once you have reached this level, you will start to naturally feel confident in other things too, allow it time, to take its own course, step by step. 

Running away from marriage is not the answer, not for long term anyway. 
Trying again and working on it with your partner is. We are all scared of failing, but if we don't try then neither will we succeed.  Marriage is about teamwork, friendship, understanding, you should want to help each other be better partners, most importantly, you should allow your partner to help you, we just need to try, because in effect this makes us better slaves of Allah. 

And Allah knows best.

Frustrations in Egypt

Bissmillahir rahmanir raheem,

It wasn't the electricity cutting off for hours that frustrated me, nor was it the water being cut off for days on end, nor the increase in prices of local produce, or even the masses of rubbish accumulating on the streets. It was saying goodbye. And everyone knows how I hate goodbyes. I have said goodbye 3 times in the last 12 hours. To people who came to Egypt to seek knowledge and some for the betterment of their children's islamic upbringing. And now they feel the need to leave for what seems to be threatening this initial intention. Its really sad.

Fair vote, fair elections, is the only reason Morsi was elected. Doesn't it make sense to let him finish his course and re-elect, if after he has proven to do nothing for this impatient country? Truth is, most people on the street don't even know whose side they are on, pro-morsi or not, they just want change. The problem is, they want it too fast and join in the demonstrations purely for this reason, whereas for others, its just a reason to go out and party. And who is "egging them on" Morsi's oposition, of course. Those who have made his time in government not an easy ride. Those who behind the scenes, burst water pipes so we went without water for weeks, those who stole the petrol and threw it in the desert. Those who are paying people to cut the electricity and make our lives as inconvenient as possible. All these things done deliberately to frustrate the people, and then suddenly BANG, they ignite the spark to demonstrate and then let the dumb people do the rest. They are being played like puppets, if only they realised. Its not a new government that they need, its a new way of looking at things, wisdom, patience, and understanding of the reality of whats happening.

Bearded men getting attacked on the streets, and niqabis not safe to walk in peace, this is what they wanted all along, their plan of turning muslims against muslims, to divide us and to wipe out Islam. And it is the fact that Deen is not strong in their hearts which is the reason for them being so blind and delusional.
Ya Allah give them patience, understanding, and make them strong in Deen. Ameen.

Alexandria Egypt.

Advice to the Soul

My dear soul, look out towards the sea. Doesn't its vastness make your woes seem so minute to the Heart?

Marsa Matruh, Egypt, June 2013 

Respect Yourself

Reflections

Sometimes keeping your mind busy, is not always a good thing. It only distracts you from thinking, reflecting and solving the problems of reality.

Disconnected

The further you are from Allah, the harder it becomes to fight the battle. Its strange how I came across so many people, who were in a sense so anguished, and out of control. Its hard to explain. But it doesn't matter how much my heart goes out to those people, how much I want to show them the way out, and how much I want to reassure them that it will eventually be ok, they can really only help themselves. 
And eventually they will realise, that that torment, that lack of control, has a direct link to your closeness to Allah. The further you are from your deen, the more you seem to be losing the fight. And for this they need to re-assess their life, what needs to change in order to stop being a slave to their desires. Because it could be that you work all day, your life is work work and more work, you may pray all your prayers, but where is the khushu in that prayer? Where is the closeness that you once felt before and how did you become so...
disconnected from your Lord? These reasons are all according to the individual, it can be due to people you interact with, who are harmful to your deen, or needing someone, whom you know is good for your deen, but your ego denies it. It could be the nature of your job, some jobs require a level of dishonesty, disloyalty, business nowadays is dog eat dog,  and for this, people spend too much time trying to be the best at work, rather than trying to be the most pious Muslim. Whatever the reason, the answer is simple, and I would recommend those people to simply stop life and take time out to think:

First and foremost that person needs to be willing to make changes in their life, secondly they need to re-asses their situation to see what needs to change, thirdly they really really really need to ask Allah to help them. Because without asking, He wont give, we need to beg Him, surrender completely and beg Him to guide us. Without Him we are lost. 
Without Him we are slaves to our desires, and that is as low as it gets. We have all been there, but not all of us have won the battle. 

May Allah help us all.

That wishful thinking has turned you fools into losers

The Prophet, may Allah be pleased with him, said: "The wise is the one who takes account of his own deeds, and works for the life after death, and the fool is the one who pursues his whims, and lives with the hope that Allah will forgive him." (At-Tirmidhi) 

Al-Hassan al-Basri said: "Some people live with the hope that Allah will forgive them until they leave this world without a single hasanah, or good deed." 

Allah, the Exalted, says: "And that wishful thinking of yours concerning your Rubb has ruined you and turned you into losers." Quran 40:23.

Sudden realisation

 It's not about finding the best person, it's about finding the person who brings out the best in you.

Cry it Out.

Sometimes you just have to cry it out. And when we are totally broken, when we have exhausted all other avenues, demeaning as they are, the last thing we resort to is this. And suddenly for whatever reason the burden becomes lighter. Suddenly another door opens, and suddenly it seems so much easier to close the last door. It doesn't matter how much people disappoint you, how many times they try to break you, it is purely to bring you back down to the realisation that, you are nothing, you are not in control, and that He is the only one you can turn to, to enable you to move on again. And those who don't realise this and do not turn to Him, who do not cry it out, and beg for his mercy and forgiveness, they will carry on going through the turmoil of fighting the war waging within themselves.

Why is is that when we have lost all hope, not knowing which way to turn, full of confusion and thoughts and thinking "What if? Why?", crying brings us this result? Because this is where you are at your most weakest point which no one would want to admit, even to  themselves, never mind to others. And for you to accept this, to finally break down all the barriers and just surrender yourself, to Allah, and to the plan that He set out for you, in this we find peace, we set ourselves free.

"One of the marvels of the world: The sight of a soul sitting in prison with the key in its hand."

-Rumi

Strangers

Sometimes you may find yourself on unfamiliar ground, a stranger in a place with people so unknown to you. You wonder how you will cope in such a place. For some its an exciting venture, for others, there is nothing more daunting. But isn't it true how Allah always sends you someone to show you the way, at the point when you feel most lost? How that person is there for you at hand, who can accompany you and answer the questions you thought you would never find alone. And isn't it true that there comes a point for that person to leave your life. Allah is giving you a chance to not only do everything that that person taught you alone, but also for you to teach the next stranger that arrives. And suddenly you become the one that Allah sends to others, to show them the way. And so in life we find our roles change, from the one who was dependent on others, to the one others become dependent on. And this role change can only occur once that person who showed you, leaves your life.
And although it means you may suffer a loss, it is only a way of training to help you gain something better, because by Allah taking away that person who was always there to guide you, he also took away your dependency on them, so that you may become solely dependent on Him. And perhaps we will keep going through this until, one day, it will no longer hurt to say goodbye, because you learn that you are left with the One, and He is enough for you.

Sunnah of S... II

Something I think that should be talked about more (in a controlled setting - with teachers/scholars/Councillors/people of knowledge). Simply because its something so simple, and ignorance in this matter can have such traumatic effects on people/marriages on a physical and psychological level. Due to culture we are taught to shy away from such issues, but as Muslims there is nothing wrong with developing an understanding and still remaining humble and modest about it. It's easy for people to say that these issues do not concern them, as it is simply "not in their nature", well all I can say is; make it your nature. Follow the Sunnah, or you will always fail in this. 

A great piece, well done: 

http://muslimmatters.org/2013/05/03/vignettes-on-female-sexuality/

They Need to Go. For Sure.

The Best and Most Beloved Wife.

"she believed in me when all others disbelieved; she held me truthful when others called me a liar; she sheltered me when others abandoned me; she comforted me when others shunned me; and Allah (SWT) granted me children by her while depriving me of children by other women." (Prophet Mohammed, Peace and Blessings be Upon Him, about his beloved wife Lady Khadija.)

And That is Enough

I've learned I will almost never get it right first time,
I've learnt not to give up, to change my methods and try again, and again.
I've learnt to trust my instincts,
I've learnt that my greatest inspirations are deeply rooted to my fears,
I've learnt that ugly people will always be ugly, and beautiful people can be even more ugly.
I've learnt that giving up on love is not the answer, nor is chasing the love that never existed.
I've learnt that I should never try to change for the sake of people's ego.
I've learnt that my inability to walk away reflects on my weak Imaan, and what I do walk away from will pursue me. Iv learnt its hard not to look back. Its really hard.
I've learnt to smile and laugh at myself when the world seems dark,
I've learnt that you will feel Allah's love at times when you are feeling so unloved, and that that love is enough.
I've learnt that in the end, the truth always comes out, no matter how hard someone tries to make you look bad. That Allah sends the rain to wash away their black lies and criticisms. I love the rain.
I've learnt that in silence I find solace...but also fear.
I've learnt to protect myself by building a wall, yet still allowing myself to watch the world and lives around me through a gap...I've learnt anyone can get in that gap.
I've learnt that I never knew what I wanted, that I was easily influenced, that I tried hard to please others and agree to their way of thinking, even if I thought otherwise, and that not knowing what I wanted led me to the wrong people. I've learnt to know what I want.
I have learnt that there are people who want you and then there are people who need you. Its better to be needed.
I've learnt the people that are furthest away will always be the ones you miss most.
I've learnt to remember the bad times and not just the good. Because in the good you have regret, and in the bad you have relief.
I've learnt that the people that harmed you will have that same harm caused upon them, that what they took
from you will undoubtedly be taken from them too in the same form or another.
I see the innocence in those younger than me, I have learnt that time will teach them too, regardless of my warnings to them.
I have learnt that I strive to always find solutions for others, but give up when I can never find them for myself.
I have learnt that not every one will understand me. Nor do I want everyone to understand me. And the ones who do, only do because, they have learnt too.

Guantanamo is killing me (Samir Naji)‏

ONE man here weighs just 77 pounds. Another, 98. Last thing I knew, I weighed 132, but that was a month ago.

I’ve been on a hunger strike since Feb. 10 and have lost well over 30 pounds. I will not eat until they restore my dignity.

I’ve been detained at Guantánamo for 11 years and three months. I have never been charged with any crime. I have never received a trial.

I could have been home years ago — no one seriously thinks I am a threat — but still I am here. Years ago the military said I was a “guard” for Osama bin Laden, but this was nonsense, like something out of the American movies I used to watch. They don’t even seem to believe it anymore. But they don’t seem to care how long I sit here, either.

When I was at home in Yemen, in 2000, a childhood friend told me that in Afghanistan I could do better than the $50 a month I earned in a factory, and support my family. I’d never really traveled, and knew nothing about Afghanistan, but I gave it a try.

I was wrong to trust him. There was no work. I wanted to leave, but had no money to fly home. After the American invasion in 2001, I fled to Pakistan like everyone else. The Pakistanis arrested me when I asked to see someone from the Yemeni Embassy. I was then sent to Kandahar, and put on the first plane to Gitmo.

Last month, on March 15, I was sick in the prison hospital and refused to be fed. A team from the E.R.F. (Extreme Reaction Force), a squad of eight military police officers in riot gear, burst in. They tied my hands and feet to the bed. They forcibly inserted an IV into my hand. I spent 26 hours in this state, tied to the bed. During this time I was not permitted to go to the toilet. They inserted a catheter, which was painful, degrading and unnecessary. I was not even permitted to pray.

I will never forget the first time they passed the feeding tube up my nose. I can’t describe how painful it is to be force-fed this way. As it was thrust in, it made me feel like throwing up. I wanted to vomit, but I couldn’t. There was agony in my chest, throat and stomach. I had never experienced such pain before. I would not wish this cruel punishment upon anyone.

I am still being force-fed. Two times a day they tie me to a chair in my cell. My arms, legs and head are strapped down. I never know when they will come. Sometimes they come during the night, as late as 11 p.m., when I’m sleeping.

There are so many of us on hunger strike now that there aren’t enough qualified medical staff members to carry out the force-feedings; nothing is happening at regular intervals. They are feeding people around the clock just to keep up.

During one force-feeding the nurse pushed the tube about 18 inches into my stomach, hurting me more than usual, because she was doing things so hastily. I called the interpreter to ask the doctor if the procedure was being done correctly or not.

It was so painful that I begged them to stop feeding me. The nurse refused to stop feeding me. As they were finishing, some of the “food” spilled on my clothes. I asked them to change my clothes, but the guard refused to allow me to hold on to this last shred of my dignity.

When they come to force me into the chair, if I refuse to be tied up, they call the E.R.F. team. So I have a choice. Either I can exercise my right to protest my detention, and be beaten up, or I can submit to painful force-feeding.

The only reason I am still here is that President Obama refuses to send any detainees back to Yemen. This makes no sense. I am a human being, not a passport, and I deserve to be treated like one.

I do not want to die here, but until President Obama and Yemen’s president do something, that is what I risk every day.

Where is my government? I will submit to any “security measures” they want in order to go home, even though they are totally unnecessary.

I will agree to whatever it takes in order to be free. I am now 35. All I want is to see my family again and to start a family of my own.

The situation is desperate now. All of the detainees here are suffering deeply. At least 40 people here are on a hunger strike. People are fainting with exhaustion every day. I have vomited blood.

And there is no end in sight to our imprisonment. Denying ourselves food and risking death every day is the choice we have made.

I just hope that because of the pain we are suffering, the eyes of the world will once again look to Guantánamo before it is too late.

Samir Naji al Hasan Moqbel, a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay since 2002, told this story, through an Arabic interpreter, to his lawyers at the legal charity Reprieve in an unclassified telephone call.

Advice for Husbands/Men/Brothers/Dads...

(This made me laugh. Probably because it sounds like me...)

" It is currently ‘that time of the month’ for my wife and she has gone off in a huff over a picture of a lemon (or so I think). This is nothing new and something that I have become used to over the period of our marriage. Things like this are trivial to me, but seem to tip her over the edge. 

However, I then remembered that one of the qualities of all good Muslims is patience (sabr). I know that at ‘this time of the month’, I need to just let her be rather than make a bigger issue about this. She will eventually calm down and things will be normal again."

http://www.purematrimony.com/blog/2013/04/a-dads-discourse-have-a-little-patience/

My First Day Teaching.

So who would have thought, me teaching? Yes, I can hear all of my big sisters laughing from here. Because you can ask them, and they will tell you that out of all of us sisters, I was probably the one who was least suited to be a teacher. The little baby of the family, who could never cross the road alone, who never did anything without a sister at her side doing it for her, whether it be going to the shop for sweets - from fear that the scary shop keeper man would actually talk to me and ask me my name! I just always remember someone being there.

My little 5 year old Egyptian student, reminded me of me when I was young. As he walked into the classroom, with a cap on his head, making sure that it covered his eyes, he would not look at me as I asked him his name. I got a reply "Adam" but his cap remained down. His mum had told me previously that he was a very shy and easily scared little person, and I replied to her "Don't worry, I understand, so am I!"

So Adam and I sit in the classroom, His eyes still down, I can only see the bottom half of his face, and I chat away, he has no idea what I am saying, but I chat anyway, and I don't invade his space by looking under his cap into his face, because with shy people, you will find, that the more "in their face" you are, the more they will shy away from you, you have to wait for them to be comfortable and make a first move. I get a result eventually, as he does peek up now and again to see what this crazy woman is going on about.

"Soooo Adam, I think you know your ABC?" I say, and I see a smile creep on his face, which I guess is an indication, that this is something familiar, thank God. And so I start; "A, Apple, B, Boy, C, Cat." I get no response at first, but as I go along he cant help himself but to say a few along the way, and his cap is raised a little this time, to peer at the colorful pictures I show him.  Suddenly the door opens, and his big sister rushes in (almost like to rescue him) and she sits right beside him. And everything changes. His cap is right up and he is looking straight at me, and with prompts from his sister (who is small too) he even sings the whole alphabet to me on his own.

I could most definitely see myself in little Adam. Timid and shy when all alone, but once I knew someone was there for me, that gave me the courage to accomplish and be successful. And isn't that the case with us younger siblings who are almost always reliant on the older ones, and its only until we are alone that we realise how much that they actually unknowingly helped us, even if it was just with giving us confidence to buy sweets from the scary shop keeper man next door or cross the road.

Overall my first day teaching was a sweet experience, I look forward to watching my little student grow, and perhaps even myself inshallah.

Regrets

Its not that we regret the past, nor do we regret the people we meet, its just that we regret not knowing then, what we know now.

Sometimes a person can go to school, college and then university. They study for years in a particular field to enter into a certain profession. But it doesn't matter how much preparation you do, you never really learn until you start practicing in that profession. And suddenly all that study was almost a waste, it didn't prepare you even half as much as you needed, to be fully equipped to deal with what you have to deal with on the job.

I guess marriage is like this. You may feel like you know how to be the perfect partner, you may go to all the marriage talks that will equip you with an understanding of marriage, what kind of person to marry, how to deal with obstacles, how to deal with the mother-in-law and family members, you may have even walked away with a certificate stating that you attended such and such marriage course. You have read all the books so your now convinced that you are now fully prepared for whatever "Happily ever after" has to throw at you. And then you get married. And your like "Hang on, it wasn't quite like this in the book, or I don't think he was meant to quite react like that.." and your at square one again.

No one is really taught how to have a successful marriage until they are actually married and put under the turmoils of that marriage, only to come out from those turmoils - more educated, more learned, more prepared. We only know how marriage should be through seeing how other people are with each other, our parents, our siblings, our friends, however we don't really see what happens behind closed doors, the arguments and such, and our parents have spent years building such a close relationship like that, you can't expect your marriage to be as strong as theirs at the initial stages.  Attending courses and reading books can only really give you an insight, but the real teacher is marriage itself.

We learn how to become a better spouse to our partner through every obstacle, every misunderstanding, every argument, every silent treatment, we learn the likes and dislikes of our partner, we learn what makes them tick, we learn how to make them happy and content, we learn how to deal with family members, that your mother-in-law wants a phone call every day, that your father-in-law likes his coffee strong, that your brother/sister-in-laws are total nut cases, but you learn to love them anyway - you can't possibly know any of these things before you have even met your spouse, and its this, which makes us so under equipped for a successful marriage. And to those who criticise you for being a bad spouse, say to them that no one taught you how to be a good one, you are still learning, tell them to be patient with you, for you have an urge to make your partner happy, its just that you may not always know the means of doing so, you are so to speak, "learning on the job".

Its only with persistence and perseverance, with being firm with every lesson that comes to teach you and not so weak as to run away and give up when you think you don't have the answer, believe that the answer will come to you, so long as you are sincere, and once you know what you didn't know then, you are on your way to a successful marriage inshallah.

The Sunnah of S....Most Beautifully put

"I guarantee you that you will fail in this endeavor, most likely many times. You will make mistakes. You will feel guilty. You will feel awkward. You will feel misunderstood. You will feel like it is too much of a struggle. But it we stop trying to do the right thing, and stop trying to treat other human beings in the right way, and stop trying to be thankful for the beauty that God has placed in this world, then we will just fall deeper into the darknesses that Islam was meant to lead us out of, and we will never reach the point where everything falls into place and we realize why God made us the way He did, how He did, when He did, and why He surrounded us with certain souls. Was not Muhammad for Khadija and Khadija for Muhammad, for all eternity, from the moment their souls were created by God (may everlasting peace and blessings envelop the Prophet, his wives, and their children)!"

http://islamatbrown.blogspot.com/2013/04/on-sex.html?m=1

Find Yourself.

After a few down days I have had an up day. Sometimes you have to give back to others in order for you to get back up there again. And although it may seem a hassle to you, and that you may have to spend some money, and time, the smile on other peoples faces from your efforts for them makes you feel Allah's blessings. Everyone is alone, and everyone feels it sometimes, but when you help people find each other, I think that helps you to find yourself.

Lights Out

The electricity just went out. A common occurrence in Egypt. And although this occurrence is a somewhat nuisance, I love to hear the cheer of the children outside that this nuisance causes. This darkness is somehow exciting for them, whilst us adults carry on grumbling, the kids scream and chant and shout, its a sound that is perfect, it makes me smile. 

I smile at the way these children are able to look past the dark, and remain happy and playful, whilst when the darkness of life falls on us adults, we fail to see any kind of light. Wouldn't those dark times be so much more easier if our attitude remained like a child's?  That you can still laugh and have fun and be happy in that dark time, because we know that it will eventually pass and light will return. 

But where is the fun in light? Where is the fun in seeing where your going? Imagine if we could actually see where we will end up after 1 week or one year? That mystery of darkness is indeed something exciting and perhaps even comforting. 

Lastly, there is something about the dark that brings people back to earth. With so much electricity and lights on, we arrogantly hold our heads high looking at everything and anything unnecessarily.  But in the darkness we become humble, our heads are lowered, concentrating only on that which the light of our candle hits. 

And so I welcome the darkness. I welcome that even in the dark you may smile and look forward, I welcome that we may find comfort in the mystery of it, and I welcome that it makes us more humble. 

Rumi - "What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle."

To See Reality As It Truly Is.

I dont know about anyone elses experiences, but sometimes Allah has shown me through small signs who people realy are.
Although they have been deceitful and dishonest to me, in my naivety I make excuses for them, I hide the wrong that they are doing when really I should for once stand up for justice and face them head on, demanding explanations. But I choose not to. Sometimes its better to make excuses for you fellow muslims and allow Allah to do the rest. If they really are deceiving you, Allah will show you, and then its up to you, whether you want to foolishly carry on blindly, or be strong enough to walk away for good. Each time I gave someone a chance and made an excuse for them, some how strangely Allah showed me in ways, some ways that were purely accidental, that these people have not changed and are still dishonest. Its up to you to take notice of the sign Allah sent you, to hear Allah and be strong. There are times where we ask Allah to show us the truth, to show us which direction to turn, and when He shows us we become unhappy about it, we are in denial and we carry on making bad decisions that never will benefit us.

Deep down we all know the people and the paths that are harmful to us and the ones that will benefit us and bring us closer to Allah. We know but we are not strong enough to listen to our own instincts. Be strong enough to walk away, with the full belief that Allah will reimburse you with something so much more fitting or that those people will return to you, when they have finally realised, that they can hide their dishonesty from you - but not from Allah.

And of course the same goes for the opposite. If a person is sincere, pure and genuine, you will surely see it. Allah will not veil this from you. You will know in your heart who beautiful people are, and when you find them you should not let go of them, for they can only make your life beautiful. And you should fear that you should never hurt them, be good to them, and know, that Allah is with them, and will surely show them how ugly you are, if you are not sincere from within.

I ask Allah to help me see things as they truly are, and to show me people for who they truly are, and for the strength to base my decisions on this reality.

"In truth the conduct of our lives is the only proof of the sincerity of our hearts." -Anonymous

Prepare for the Big Test

Every single thing you do, is a test, from the moment u wake up, every small step u take, the people
you talk to, the way you talk to them, they are all tests to show one thing or another. Your adab, your aklaaq, your patience. So realise it, before you do absolutely anything, when you walk out the door, when you go to work, when you meet someone new, everything can be turned into dhikr with a simple intention before doing anything, like  "Bissmillah, I am cooking this meal, to feed my children to make them strong to become future leaders of the Ummah," or "Bissmillah, I am going to work to fulfill the rights of my family, to provide for them as a husband and father." A simple, basic every day practice, is turned into something beautiful because you change your intention of doing it purely for the sake of Allah.

Every situation you are put in, whether its a chore you do every day, or whether its a new situation, be aware of them all, especially the new situations - they catch you by surprise - keep reminding yourself, that something can happen at any time to test my aklaaq, my adab, my patience.

People, they are all around us, even when we are alone, they are still there, in your heads in your hearts or on the internet! The majority of situations are for sure going to involve people, and there are people who are meaningless to you, people you walk past in the street, your local shop keeper, ones you never met, ones who you care for deeply,  and your actions and words with all of them count, your test with each of them are different but important in different ways depending on your interaction with them. Remember: Akhlaaq, adaab at all times. whether you know them or not, or if they are good to you or bad to you, whether they anger you or excite you or make you laugh, aklaak and adab, Why? even if it means its not you.
It may not be your way, or your personality, but it was the Prophets way (may peace and blessings
be upon him), and his way never fails, our way, most certainly will and has failed us.
When your always aware of these small tests and aware of yourself, your so much more prepared when the bigger ones come right?

Note to Self:

Only when you rid yourself of all the bad, will you start to appreciate the good and simple things in life.

Rosetta (Rashid), Egypt 2013

She Still has Meaning

One day she will write. She will write that passage that explains it all, that does justice to every tear. She will write it with that pen she could never find, and on a piece of paper which wasn't already filled with randomness that was put away once before, only to find it now unfinished, though full with words, her mind remains blank, yet her hand keeps writing. Unveiling her thoughts.
Didn't you always want to know her thought? What was beyond the silence that kept her so busy? She feared she would disappoint you if she unveiled them to you, yet she kept writing. It made so much sense in her head, but struggled to put it into words for you, so she wrote it. And the words became blurred, smudged by the tears, they no longer made any sense, but the meaning remained, hidden. Would you have ever understood them, when you never understood her?

Is it a poem? is it a passage? Is it clever? is it deep? Is it for you or is it for Him?
Just Let her be, let her write, let her be angry, sad, lost in the words, let her go, and then let her return back to you again.

And although her words are never perfect, and although they are unfinished, and even though they are smudged and blurred, and that you may never understand them, remember, they still have meaning, hidden. Just like her. She still has meaning...

I closed my mouth & spoke to you in hundreds of silent ways. 

~Rumi~

Become Someone Who is Deserving

Realise that your failure in the past was for a reason.  Stop blaming the other person, for once, blame yourself and change yourself. And only then you will find contentment. Life is like a game at times. If you lose in the game, then you have to realise what your weaknesses were and improve your skills before trying again, only then will you be successful at winning the game the next time round. But if you don't realise and try to improve those skills (or learn new ones), then your going to keep losing, for sure.

How to change is the question perhaps. Its obvious, but only if you reflect on it. And it can be a combination of external and internal aspects, different for each individual. External being: A bad tempered, foul mouthed person, needs to work on his anger management  or someone who is overly pedantic and particular about things needs to realise that not every one is like them and they just need to chill out a bit, an intelligent person who needs an "intelligent" conversation needs to stop looking down on others, thinking they are not enough of a stimulation for them, there are so many ways to find your entertainment with people, if your willing to change and be less arrogant about it, and the list goes on...

And internally? No good will come to you if your still doing bad. And once you become straight with Allah, He will bring things to you from a path you never expected it from. The trick is to let go, of all the bad things in your life, of all the things that give you distress, worry, anxiety, let go and cut it off, close the door completely, for even if you leave it a little open, there remains a chance that it will return and drag you back down again.
Focus on Allah and believe that He will only bring you good when you are full deserving of it.

Sometimes people tell me that I ran away from all my problems in life and made out like this was a bad thing. For me I see it as a good thing, I didn't run away, it was just a way of removing myself from all the things that were causing me harm to my deen, I came to cleanse, to reflect, to change. And I am so much more happier for it. And there may be times where the opportunity arises for you to fall back into your old habits, and sometimes you succumb to it and sometimes your strong and avoid it, its all a test and its all part of the process of learning, A test to see if you are worthy yet, of the goodness Allah kept in store for you,
He is waiting to give it to you and He wants to give it to you. This is what people need to realise,
when they lose hope and believe that they will never find happiness, they should remember that its only them that keeps messing up their own happiness, (because they don't change their ways).

I deliberately ask people why they think they experienced such and such experience in their life. And some will say its the will of Allah, (although this applies) they say this only to remove any blame from themselves, because on digging deeper they will then blame the other person completely without any fault on them. I find that quite sad, if not laughable, because it shows they didn't learn anything about themselves in that lesson. And if they learnt something it was only to defend their own actions e.g "I am too trusting, too caring" etc.
I guess with young people its less irritating to hear that from, because there is still a chance for them to realise in later life. But for those that are older...? Well if they haven't realised by now at that age how to change, in order to find contentment, well more fool them.
Let them live in their own little world of perfection, whilst us imperfect people carry on with life in happiness.

*Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. 
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.* –Rumi

(Picture: Alexandria, Egypt 2013)

People change...

A quote by Marilyn Monroe includes the line "People change so you can learn to let go.."
There will be points in your your life, where this applies perfectly. Sometimes people leave you, and you will find it hard to let them go. And the reason it was hard to let them go, was not because you wanted that person, but because you wanted to prove to them (and yourself) that you were good enough and that you could reach their "standard".
And this agony of not letting go has a process, of you wanting to change to reach that "standard" to become worthy of them.
You do whatever it takes, educate yourself more, change the way you dress, get into the right crowd, start writing publicaly, move country...just to prove that you can and that your someone worthy of their attention and approval...and along this journey of changing you repeat a prayer and a silent wish that one day you will meet again, just so you can say "hey look how I changed, am I now not good enough? Am I now not worthy of your love?"
And when that day comes, and you think finally Allah answered my prayers, another shot, another chance to prove to them, that you are now what they wanted...
However what a surprise to find, that infact over time, you never changed at all. You only found ways to express the worthiness that lay within you all along. And even more surprisingly, to find, that the other person changed; they are no longer that person with the same "high standards" they are infact quite different..
And all this only to show and make you realise how unworthy they are of you. It seems the person that they wanted you to be, was only really a reflection of the person they could never be themselves...
"People change so you can learn to let go..."

Joined at the Soul

Pondering over the whole thing about having a "soulmate" in life. And how some people are lucky to meet someone who they believe is their soulmate and others are more lucky to marry them and spend their whole life with them. And I have been wondering what is it that makes these persons so connected down to the very soul. Because thinking about it, it could be that you passionately love someone but they are not necessarily your soulmate, and that your soulmate is not necessariliy someone you are passionately in love with. And the person your in love with might be someone you actualy cannot spend your life with, because they do not give you peace and fullfillment in your life. However your soulmate, will always undoubtedly be able to offer you peace and tranquility.

Over the year or so it has been a common occurance which I have found really strange; how I tried to just live life on my own and not let anyone into my bubble. But it was strange how people came into my life and got attached to me regardless of however hard I tried to just be a "nomad".  For some weird reason they really liked me and didn't want to leave me and I didn't know why that was. But because of their persistance I grew attached to them too, unknowingly letting some of them in and finding some harmony, and common ground with them. And then there were others, who I guess, I was persistant with in a futile attempt to kill my boredom and loneliness yet, I found no common ground with them, and was eager to return back into my own world after being with them. And I didn't understand why the difference was there, because they all seemed like decent/nice people.
Its just that I didn't connect with some of them on a level I connected with others.

And then I came accross a statement online (by Yasmin Mogahed) which included the following hadith and commentary which kind of answered my thoughts above:

The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab Ahaadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, Baab al-Arwaah junood
mujannadah).

*Commentary: "Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his commentary on the hadeeth: “Concerning the phrase ‘Souls are like conscripted soldiers…’ al-Khattaabi said: ‘This may refer to their similarity as regards good or evil, righteousness or corruption. Good people are inclined towards other good people, and evil people are similarly inclined towards other evil people. Souls feel affinity with others according to the nature in which they were created, good or evil. If souls’ natures are similar, they will get along, otherwise they will not be on good terms with one another. It could be that what is being referred to is the beginning of creation in the realm of the unseen when, it is reported, souls were created before bodies, and used to meet one another and express their pessimism about the future. When souls have entered bodies (come to the physical realm) they may recognize one another from the past, and may be on friendly terms or otherwise based on that past experience.”

"Al-Khattaabi and others said: this getting along with one another has to do with what Allaah decreed from the outset about the ultimate destiny of souls, whether they will be among the blessed [in Paradise] or the doomed [in Hell]. Souls are of two opposing kinds, and when they meet in this physical world, they will either love or hate one another depending on the way they were created.
Good souls will be inclined towards other good souls, and evil souls will be inclined towards other evil souls. And Allaah knows best."

(http://islamqa.com/en/ref/3864/soul)


Following on from that, there were some people/souls who I didn't care about leaving, because I didn't really like them anyway, and then there were others who I cared for, but it still didn't hurt me to leave them, and I wondered if this was a fault in me, that my heart had become hardened, but I realise that when your connected to someone on a soul level your always connected - your not really leaving each other, only in the physical sense. It's almost like your souls know you will meet again...

And so it could be that you can never marry your soulmate, but you remain happy in letting them go knowing they are happy in life, for this very reason that the souls will one day meet again.
It is something beautiful, because people get confused; they think the people they can't live without and have strong feelings for are the ones that they should be with, and they find it difficult to let them go, its such a mental torment for them because they "love" them so much, but this "love" is just physical and in reality they are the ones that damage your soul most. Your soulmate on the other hand, although you would be a little sad to let them go in this world, you would be able to do so, knowing your parting is not eternal. And its ironic how really, the person you would be able to let go, is the person you would find most contentment in spending your life with, because that is the one who is most beneficial for your soul, and sanity.

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.
Because for those who love with heart and soul,
there is no such thing as separation!" ~ Rumi

 

Open the Door.

You say you give up on love, but infact love gave up on you. For it knocked at your door on many an occasion and you chose to shut the door on it each time. Realise that if you push something/someone away enough times, one day they won't return. Don't be so surprised when that day come.

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
~Kahlil Gibran~

 

Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s advice to his son on his wedding day:

Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s advice to his son on his wedding day:

Dear son, you will not attain good fortune in your home except by 10 characteristics which you show to your wife, so remember them and be enthusiastic in acting upon them.

As for the first two; women like attention and they like to be told clearly that they are loved. So don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your wife. If you become limited in expressing your love, you will create a barrier of harshness between you and her, and there will be a decrease in affection.

3, Ladies hate a strict, overcautious man, yet they seek to use the soft vulnerable one. So use each quality appropriately. This will be more appealing for love and it will bring you peace of mind.

4. Ladies like from their husbands what their husbands like from them, i.e. kind words, good looks, clean clothes and a pleasant odour. Therefore, always remain in that state.

5, Indeed, the house is under the sovereignty of the woman. While she remains therein, she feels that she is sitting upon her throne, and that she is the chief of the house . Stay clear of destroying this kingdom of hers and do not ever attempt to dethrone her, otherwise you will be trying to snatch her sovereignty. A king gets most angry at he who tries to strip him of his authority, even if he portrays to show something else.

6. A woman wants to love her husband, but at the same time she does not want to lose her family. So do not put yourself and her family in the same scale, because then her choice will be down to either you or her family. And even if she does choose you over her family, she will remain in anxiety, which will then turn into hatred towards you in your daily life.

7. Surely woman has been created from a curved rib, and this is the secret of her beauty, and the secret of the attraction towards her. And this is no defect in her, because ‘the eyebrows look beautiful due to them being curved’. So if she errs, do not rebuke her in a manner in which there is no gentleness, attempting to straighten her; otherwise you will simply break her and her breaking, is her divorce. At the same time do not let her off upon that mistake, otherwise her crookedness will increase and she will become arrogant with her ego. Thereafter, she will never soften for you and she won’t listen to you, so stay in between the two.

8. It is in the women’s nature to be ungrateful towards their husbands and to deny favours. If you were to be nice to her for her whole life but you grieved her once, she will say, “I have never seen any good from you”. So don’t let this attitude of her make you dislike her or to run away from her. If you dislike this feature of hers, you will be pleased with some other good habits within her, so create a balance.

9. Surely there are times when a woman goes through some conditions of bodily weakness and fatigue of the mind. Such that Allah has relieved her of some of her compulsory worships during that period; Allah has totally pardoned her from praying, and has postponed the days of fasting for her within this break to a later date until she regains her health and becomes normal in her temperament once more. Thus, during these days, treat her in a godly manner. Just as Allah has relieved her of the duties, you should also lessen your demands and instructions from her during those days.

10. Last but not least, know that a woman is like a captive with you. Therefore, have mercy upon her.